Friday, September 20, 2013

The Giant Realization (and pictures from our family photo shoot)

*This was originally written at about 1 am Friday morning, so I apologize for the confused tenses and any grammatical errors.  I wanted to keep it as honest as possible, confusion and all.  I added my favorite pictures from our family photo shoot (when Matt was home) as a personal reminder of my love for my family and because I haven't posted them on here yet.*

I had a giant realization tonight.

But first let me tell you about my week. All week I have felt myself getting sick. That horrible scratchy feeling in the back of your throat.  The stuffed up nose that makes you sleep with your mouth open, further irritating your raw throat.  Monday, I bought vitamins. And Vitamin C suckers and tummies. And the essential oils to make vapor rub and those shower steam things.  Kids were angels, helpful and sweet. I thought 'Thank Goodness!"  Because I am not a nice sick person. I get cranky and irritable and just mad for no reason. 

Tuesday, I wake up feeling like death. Headache. Throat ache. Voice is gone. Can't breathe through my nose. I decide to rearrange the entire upstairs furniture in effort to clean everything. Lots of heavy lifting and pushing, sweating and coughing.   Kids are doing okay, helpful in their way, meaning they isolated their mess to the room I wasn't in.

Wednesday. I feel worse than ever. Realize I need to go to the store to get wood glue for the desk I broke the day before while trying to rearrange.  Also, I need to mail my husband a birthday box.  I get mad and sad that my husband won't be here for his birthday. That I won't be able to make him lasagna and confetti cake. That I am so sick I can barely talk and concentrate on tasks. Kids notice Mom's weaknesses and start to test how far they can push. 

And then today. 

Thursday. We got home super late from Gabe's baseball game Wednesday night and there was a big thunderstorm in the middle of the night - so no one got much sleep.  I survive on cough drops and cold medicine.  The bug bite Zander has on his knee has now mutated into a huge swollen mass of pus that is incredibly painful and infected.  Run errands all day and then Doctors office to find out Zander has MRSA (staph).  Next stop grocery store (for prescription) and I realize there is no way I have time to make dinner before going to Boy Scouts in less than two hours.  At this point the kids are done, they have stopped listening to me, stopped responding to my pleas for assistance and cooperation and have taken to running and jumping down the aisles as we grab a rotisserie chicken and a couple boxes of GF Mac and cheese.  Get to the self check out lane and Zander dumps the chicken on the floor trying to scan it on the machine.  After profusely apologizing to the woman that cleans the floor, I get the kids home as fast as possible. They scarf down what they can, we race out of the door again for Boy Scouts. There is fighting and bickering the whole meeting.  Calla finally loses it on the way home and screams for the entire 20 minute drive.  I throw everyone to bed before they can brush their teeth. 


And then, I sit.  I sit and I think about everything I have coming up. Everything that I have to do in the next couple weeks. And I get incredibly overwhelmed to the point that I feel like I am drowning. So I take a minute and brainstorm.  I make a list of every necessary task that needs to be done before the end of September and my list is 25 things long. 

25 things I have to do, on top of all the normal daily life things, in the next week and a half.  Granted it doesn't sound like a lot, a couple things a day, but when I am already feeling overwhelmed with regular daily tasks adding two or three more things seems insurmountable.

And then I hit my realization. The sky opened up and I accept the truth. 

I can't do it all. 

I can't do it all. 

That sounds horrible to say. I hate it. I hate saying "can't". I hate saying that I am not capable. I tell myself all the time, "You can do this. You can make it. This is nothing."  But I can't. I can't do it all. 

I can't make Gabe's lunch every day. I can't fold clothes as soon as they are dried and put them away after. I can't wash every pan as soon as I am done using it. I can't make a fabulous home cooked meal every night of the week. I can't keep up with my family's love of granola bars, muffins, bread, granola to make them from scratch. I can't cut the grass once a week.  I can't keep up with all the blog entries running through my head all the time.  I can't.

I have to give some of it up and let go. 

These 25 things are really important, so I have to loosen up and let some things slide out of my control.

I don't want to and I don't like it. I feel like a failure and like I let my kids down. 

But I know I am not.  

And it's hard. It's hard accepting your faults and your limitations.  It makes me uncomfortable.  I think "If I just stayed up a little later..."  "If I just planned a little better..."  "If I just cared more..."  

But I know the truth. I can't do it all.  

In accepting my limitations and my faults and all that I can't do, I am hoping I do what I CAN better.

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